May 30, 2009

Guilty Pleasures: TV Is Not Just for Videogames

By Bill "The Game Doctor" Kunkel

So what do YOU watch on TV? Oh sure, you probably watch some of the good stuff– shows like “House”, “30 Rock”, “The Simpsons” and the Super Bowl. But don’t tell me you haven’t developed a jones for the staged “reality” shows
that clog our expanding television bandwidth like a tampon in a toilet bowl.

I know you’ve watched karaoke crap-ola like “American Idol,” and how-much-will-you-take? ordeals like “Survivor” and “Hell’s Kitchen” with their set-ups and predictable finishes (“Hell’s Kitchen” has even developed a gaping tell in that the winners have been boy-girl-boy-girl-boy for five seasons now).

Look, I’m not judging anyone; you can’t escape these shows. I just believe I’ve gone in deeper and can tell you about the reality shows that may not be such hot topics at the water cooler. Yet these shows offer things that “The Great Race”, “Project Runway” and watching celebrities get fired from non-existent jobs by Donald Trump can’t really match.

Some of these less-advertised shows have even broken through the glass ceiling to score big time ratings and attract mainstream (i.e., tabloid) attention. How did they do it? Easy – sex scandal. “John & Kate + Eight” is about a couple who had twins followed by sextuplets and was a modest success on TLC for almost five seasons as we watched this mom and dad stuck with eight kids, feeding and cleaning them, schlepping them to amusement parks and bickering with one another (Kate has an especially hard edge to her). We even got to know John (who got an on-air hair transplant) and Kate (who had to have the enormous flap of skin she developed while holding six fetuses surgically removed) in a kind of “Nip/Tuck” way.

Then came word that John and his transplanted hair were cheating on Kate (the family is paid by TLC to allow them total access to their lives so you can imagine how hard this guy had to work to get him a secret stash). Then, just as the Star and Inquirer were settling down to a boil on the subject, word leaked that Kate was screwing around with one of the bodyguards TLC pays to protect them.

As a result, this season’s opening show (that’s right, reality shows can start a new season in the summer) where John & Kate sat down to “confront” one another attracted some 10 million voyeurs, an incredible rating for a small cable station show about a bunch of screaming kids and their harried parents.

Women seem to have a much higher tolerance for this show than men. I know the cacophony of screaming, whining and whimpering feels like an earwig has invaded my inner canal.

Little People, Big World (TLC)

Would you think I was making this up entirely if I told you that TLC has not one, but TWO reality shows about dwarf and/or midget families? I have not seen the new one, “The Little Couple” (did you hear the one about the midget who married the dwarf? If not, this is the one), but I’ve seen episodes from several seasons of LP, BW. “Little People, Big World” is about the Roloff Family, where husband Matt and wife Amy are both dwarves (and they frequently go into detail on the various types of dwarfism, but you’re supposed to call them all “little people” or “LPs” anyway so we don’t need to go into that). They have four kids: an average-sized young son and tween daughter and a pair of teen twins, one of whom is little and one of whom is not just average but pretty tall. They have a farm, they raise pumpkins, and there is absolutely no reason why you would watch it, except for the fact that the family is quite interesting and the show works in its 30 minute format. Matt is a fascinating guy who has not let a handicap (he walks with the aid of crutches) slow him down one bit while Amy is a self-effacing super-mom who handles Matt and the kids like there’s nothing to it. And finally there is Zach, a little trooper surrounded by his regular-sized siblings who is going through the agonies of his teen years with a real spin.

It’s an interesting look at the point where the “normal” world meets the “LP” world and mostly find they have a lot in common. I enjoy this show.

World’s Strictest Parents (CMT)

When two entitled, spoiled kids go to live for a week with a Bible-wielding Boy Scout family run by two definitely authoritative parents, pretty much anything can happen, right? Unfortunately, it invariably unfolds in the same basic pattern. The “bad” kids are still “bad” when they arrive and they try to con the parents who learn of their treachery and crack down. Will the bad boy and the bad girl be able to sneak off and smoke a joint or down a brew while cameras follow them everywhere? Of course, the kids eventually realize it’s only for a couple of days and start to go along with the system, creating the illusion that a miracle has been performed.

This show is a direct evolutionary descendant of the old Jerry Springer shows where some 10-year-old girl would come onstage and announce: “I call my mom ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ and I takes moneys from mens and lets them touch me!” They would then be sent to a “boot camp” where some control freak pseudo-military figure would scream at them until they broke. So if you liked those shows, you’ll probably get a kick out of this. Plus there’s the pleasure that comes with watching the smart ass kids shoveling manure or performing some other odious task. I am sure this is one of those “managed” reality shows so if you enjoy it, you should feel especially guilty.

River Monsters (Animal Planet)

If you’ve watched some of the reality show dregs such as History Channel’s sadly inadequate “MonsterQuest,” you might be tempted to pass on this excellent and far more credible examination of the many strange life forms that can be found in fresh water.

The pitiful “MonsterQuest” sends out three teams of idiots with various Mythbusters-type equipment designed to somehow prove the existence of everything from Bigfooot to the chupacabre. They strap motion-sensitive cameras to trees only to inevitably wind up with footage of a raccoon rave or some other mundane event. I think I’ve seen every show and in several seasons they have yet to capture evidence of anything.

“River Monsters” is different. British host Jeremy Wade begins each show with a premise. It may be as simple as: Will piranhas actually strip a human being’s flesh if you get in the water with them? But his methodology is rather unique – he jumps into a lake that’s teeming with the notorious flesh eaters. (The piranhas didn’t take a single bite, btw, but maybe they just don’t like English food.) He’s explored bull shark attacks in rivers around the world (they are becoming more common) and whether monster catfish (Goonch) could actually swallow a human being – and he catches one to take a look (he’s introduced as, among other things, an “extreme fisherman”). Final verdict? There are almost certainly catfish in places like Indo-China and the Amazon where a really big one could swallow a child but its mouth isn’t big enough to chow down on a grown human.

So there you are, my very own Guilty Pleasures. But then, if it doesn’t make you feel a little guilty, how much of a pleasure can it be?

And what do YOU watch on TV?

--Bill Kunkel