October 27, 2008

Solutions For Our Nation - by Joe Cerniglia

The top 7 things that could help curb America's ever mounting problems

*Disclaimer: all items in this list are a lame attempt at humor. Neither the writer nor Running With Scissors condones violence or intolerance in any form. All suggestions or subliminal messages contained in this article (real or implied) are works of editorial comment and not meant to be taken seriously.

That and the writer is fully aware he is a total douche and is not a writer by trade, but an artist. This fact will become painfully obvious as you read on.

1. Zombies: What's a better way to curtail the mournful loss of our sons and daughters in foreign wars than dropping millions of our (newly un-)dead on an unsuspecting enemy? If the advances in modern science are to be believed, science can advance further to allow for the creation of zombie hordes for the protection of the United States. Imagine the blank expressions on throngs of horrified enemies as we drop millions of our undead grandmothers, great grandfathers, and possibly long dead pets on foreign soil. Who needs 6 million dollar missiles when you've got a surplus of putrefying ancestors who could be battle ready at a moments notice? Of course the newly formed Necro Army will need state of the art protective headgear which may prove this plan's undoing (underfunding could create zombie lawlessness?) [PLEASE EXPLAIN.] Picture this… being able to say your grandfather is fighting alongside Edgar Allen Poe AND Douglas MacArthur! And who wouldn't beam with pride when they slap that "I Support Our Undead Troops" sticker on the back of their SUV?

2. Televised Death Match Debates: As I see it, there are 2 main problems with modern debate techniques especially presidential ones. The first issue is that the facts take a back seat and there are no real consequences for stupidity or lies. That in mind, I say if you’ve got a beef with someone's stance on abortion/religion/your favorite "Lost" character - Get in the ring. What better way to express your views than with a swift kick to your opponent's head? Hell, many people crap on Uwe Boll for his decision to fight his critics, but not me. Humans are, by nature, violent. What better way to relieve your aggressions and get your point across...and just imagine the next presidential debate!

3. Pay Scale Voting: We all get reviews on how well we're able to do our jobs, why not apply this concept on a grander scale? 1-900 numbers could be employed for Joe 6Pack America to rate heads of corporations, entertainers, politicians, and anyone else who makes enough cash to fund a small nation. Don't think Ashton Doucheba...err...Kutcher deserves 6mil for his inept asshole shtick in yet another crapfest? Vote on it! Wanna show those Barney Frank and Fanny May fuckups what you really think of their "job"? Hit em where it hurts! I figure at a charge of $.30-$1.00 a call we could turn our economy back around in a week.

4. Automotive scaling penalties: As much as everyone would like to disagree, driving is a privilege, not a right. If you're caught in your benz/ferarri/hummer/american truck the size of a small planet breaking traffic laws repeatedly - fuck traffic tickets, you should be forced to drive a less extreme car like a Toyota, Fiat, or Yugo till you can prove yourself worthy of being on the road. Of course road rage would earn you a scooter or some effeminate colored princess car. I figure that'd pretty much take care of those pesky greenhouse gasses in a matter of days.

5. Licensed Parenting: Parenting is a gigantic responsibility, and since parents nowadays expect their government (and everyone else) to care for their child they should go that extra mile and license potential parents. The couple wanting to have children could apply by taking an IQ test as well as a field test with animatronic kids. IQ in the double digits? Ani-Kid wind up dead? Sorry Charlie, you'll have to reapply next year. Wave bye bye to overpopulation and that little mouthbreather that you wanna strangle on that cross country flight.

6. Darwin's Law (or Weeding out the Gene Pool): Let's face it if you're stupid enough to find new and interesting ways to use everyday products to kill yourself, maybe it was your time to go. THOUSANDS of people shuffle off this mortal coil in the dumbest ways imaginable and lawers cling like leeches to their next of kin calling for bans and safety regulations while lining their pockets with cold hard cash. Remember Lawn darts? I do. I had ‘em when I was a kid and it NEVER occurred to me that it might be fun (and safe) to pierce my relatives with one. But, some moron did and now they're gone. The rest of us have to be punished because some mom and dad let their little mongoloid play unsupervised. I believe if the jury can find you dumber than dirt for an escapade that common sense could have prevented, then you shouldn't get rewarded for it.

7. Immigration: The game show!: Illegal immigration will continue, it's a fact. So why not rally networks together to capitalize on it by featuring a game show where the grad prize is citizenship? We could work together with Japan to make humiliating and spirit crushing obstacle courses thus making the entrance into the United States harder but far more entertaining. If you've ever seen MXC or the shameless ripoff Wipeout you'll get a better idea of this. I believe it’d become wildly popular (especially in the south) and the immigrants who became new Americans can truly say ‘I earned it

...Send all hate mail to: your mom.

Thank you and good night.