Stuff That Doesn't Suck - by Steve Wik

Stuff That Doesn't Suck - by Steve Wik

July 4, 2009

Stuff That Doesn't Suck - by Steve Wik

Mars Attacks! Gum Cards

Continuing Running With Scissors' noble humanitarian effort to broaden your cultural awareness, we present the next in our series of highly educational treatises on topics of monumental importance.

This month we present a compelling intellectual exploration of the Mars Attacks trading card phenomenon. DISCLAIMER: Be aware that although I may pretend to be one while hitting on your mom, I AM NOT A SCIENTIST. Therefore, anything I say could very likely just be some sweet bullshit I made up to avoid doing any actual research. But you get what you pay for.

Dateline 1962: This pivotal year in human history was filled with monumental events such as the US Govt’s first team up with Hollywood to produce fake NASA footage of John Glenn orbiting the Earth, Marilyn Monroe’s CIA faked death cover-up, allowing her to quietly return to her home in the Crab Nebula and Albert Sabin swiping the formula for the Polio Vaccine from time-traveling Nazis. And obviously, most important of all: the invention of the silicone breast implant. Thank you 1962.

I can show these ‘cause it’s educational

1962 also marked the year the Shadowy Overlords concocted the most diabolical gambit yet in their evil goal to destroy the minds of American youth. Having previously failed to melt adolescent brains with Operation: Elvis and The Tales From The Crypt Agenda, the Dark Ones desperately needed a stop-gap measure to kill some time while Beatlemania got up to speed.

Their initial attempts at using bubblegum trading cards to pervert immature minds were misguided at best. Early efforts to cloak lurid ultraviolence from parent’s watchful eyes were made within card sets based on important historical events, such as the Civil War, the assassination of Gandhi and the invasion of The Cabbage Men.

Apparently Gandhi was gunned down by an irate husband who caught
him staggering home after a drunken tryst with his wife and sister...

”Hey! That tickles!”

This incredibly historically accurate image depicts the little
known use of assault jellyfish by the Confederate army

This is SO totally based on a true story...

However, attempting to sneak the prurient violence past parental supervision under the guise of “education” proved to be naïve and utterly ignorant. If they had done the slightest market research, they would have realized that publishing gum cards based on historical events had as much chance of being a hit with kids as publishing gum cards based on great moments in math.

The key to the puzzle was delivered by Vice Chancellor of the Dark Order JFK when he announced the new national goal of putting a man on the moon (or at least paying Hollywood to whip up some bogus footage of it). Apparently kids were really into space. Who knew? Besides, as it turned out, parents were too busy boozing it up and swapping partners in torrid, sweaty no-tell motel get togethers to care what little Johnny was filling his mind with. Thus the Great Evil Ones decided to just go straight into space monster murder cards.

looks like they’re arguing whether they should pull over and ask for directions...

Produced by Topps inc, the 55 card set was an instant hit with the kids. The set was designed by noted comicbook artists/alcoholics Wally Wood and Bob Powell. The final painted art was supplied by Norm Saunders, who was also known for his lurid Men’s Adventure Magazine covers and appearing in public sans pants.

“Do not be afraid, I am merely the local deodorant inspector”

Nothing was sacred as kids, hot blondes, beloved family pets and even cattle were ruthlessly slaughtered by the grinning skull-faced aliens! Giant death-bots, shrinking rays, freeze beams and hideously enlarged insects were all part of the Martian repertoire. Why no one thought to just mash those glass helmets in with a mallet and then punch ‘em right in their giant, exposed brains, is beyond me. 1962 people were stupid.

Amazing new Martian weight loss plan! Better than Ephedra! Money back guarantee!

Aww, how nice, he’s giving that dog a complimentary steam cleaning!

Unfortunately, it turned out that the parents weren’t quite so drunk as was first thought, and before long some snot-nosed little cretin ruined it for everyone by letting his Mom see his card collection. In the resulting tidal wave of self-righteous anger, the Hockey Moms of 1962 rose up and convinced Topps it should stop selling the cards. Since operation: Beatlemania seemed to be moving ahead of schedule, they were happy to comply.

Consider this payback for all the lead-filled Christmas toys, you pricks!

The REAL fun is seeing how many subliminal messages you can find hidden in these things!

In the early 90’s, Topps reissued the set along with an extra 45 cards newly created for the collection. However, this time there was no controversy, as all the parents were too busy smoking crack and signing up for mortgages they couldn’t afford. And so, the once infamous trading card series faded into obscurity along with Tim Burton’s lousy film adaptation. The end.

I’m not certain if ripping someone’s heart out really qualifies as an “experiment”…

Mr. Mooney, NOOOOOooooo!

SPOILER ALERT:

TAKE THAT BIZZACHES! OH YES WE DID!
I guess card #55 would be: “Big ass chunks of flaming Mars debris rain down on Earth, killing everyone”
That’s all for now! Bend over, take a deep breath and enjoy the feeling of being culturally broadened! Until next time, repeat after me: “I regret nothing!”

-Dr. Steve

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