July 16, 2009

Go Go Ackman Touches The Postalmeister

"The Most Disturbing Game I’ve Ever Played"

What disturbs me about Go Go Ackman is, well, everything. This is easily the most disturbing Japanese export I've seen yet, and if you know what Urotsukidoji means (or squid pr0n), that's saying something!


You thought tentacle rapes were demented? Turns out they’re innocent child’s play compared with this deceptively cutesy SNES sidescroller. In Go Go Ackman 3, you play a little Mario-esque white-haired satan kid who wanders the countryside killing who/whatever he runs across while his demon sidekick stuffs their souls into a jar. At certain points in the game, you can use the souls as money to buy weapon upgrades and stuff from friendly shopkeepers.

Satan Boy

Sidekick

Soul

Friendly shopkeeper Cicada trading in the souls of the damned

But that's not even the disturbing part.

What really makes you feel all sick and wrong is the backstory. Now, the game's in Japanese, so I don't really know what the story is, but I think that's all for the best, considering what little is obvious from the graphics...


Above, we see "police" headquarters. ...or something. Note that the "chief" seems to be some sort of angelic village person, replete with leather jacket, hotpants and JOCK STRAP. (-Also, is it me or do the statues seem to be missing the jock strap -and aroused?)

Anyway, all too soon, Mr. leather-strap-angel-cop-thing shows up to harass our protagonist:


Sexually harass, to be more specific...

Then things REALLY get disturbing...

Bad touch! Bad touch!

Here's the last thing we see before the lights go out: a giant, full-screen, zoom-in to... well... THIS:

I’m certain Nintendo never intended Mode 7 to be abused like this…

Then, just in case you aren't completely emotionally scarred yet, when the lights come back up we see our hero regaining consciousness, disheveled in a prison cell, a look of concern (or perhaps pain) on his face. What happened? -Probably better we never know...

And I don’t even wanna think about what’s going on here:

But the ultimate horror is when you realize that this game is REALLY EASY, as though... it had been designed for… young children.


"Oh, the shame..."

[Editor's note: Despite the Postalmeister’s seemingly derogatory stance toward Ackman, it is official Running With Scissors policy to openly encourage Japan's aggressive pioneering into the uncharted realms of disturbing imagery.

We look forward to the glorious day when Japan has bought up enough of America's businesses and real-estate that they can conquer us entirely and we'll get to watch cute Japanese schoolgirls being violated by demonic octopi on Saturday morning cartoons. Go Japan! RWS loves you!!]

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