December 09, 2008

Gifts For The POSTALLY-Oriented Lifestyle

A Top 10 List by Steve “Postalmeister” Wik

10. The Aztec Mummy Collection
- (1957) rare collector's edition DVD set. Because honestly, who doesn’t love watching a papier-mâché mummy fighting a cardboard robot in Spanish?




9. Men's Adventure Magazines (Paperback, Taschen) -Possibly the only uniquely American art form, the “adventure magazine” genre flourished between 1955 and 1971. In the attempt to attract customers, these lurid artifacts relied on fully painted covers, often depicting couples being ravaged by lions, tigers, elephants and even weasels and turtles! Lingerie models being tortured by Nazis was also a popular theme.

Presumably, men bought these things pretending to “read the stories” while secretly fetishing the semi-nude photospreads of models such as Betty Page and Tina Louise (that’s right, Ginger from Gilligan’s island). Unfortunately, by the late 1960’s, Playboy had opened the way for girly photo mags and so the pretense of reading adventure stories slowly died out.

This book features tons of beautifully reproduced cover images and is totally worth it just to see the look on your friend’s faces when they find it on your coffee table and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

(Note, buy the paperback version of this book! The hardback, while cheaper, is missing about 200 pages! You have been warned!)


8. WWE Rey Mysterio replica wrestling mask (Figures Toy Co.) -Not only great for hiding your identity while sticking up convenience stores in this trying economy, but also features a convenient open-chin design for swilling booze (or if you’re Mike J, smoking Tim’s pole)


7. I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets: The Comics of Fletcher Hanks (Fantagraphics Books) -The most insane artist from the golden age of comics! This guy’s work is disturbing on so many levels… the oddly baby-headed superhero, the twisted costume design, the psychotic means of ending the careers of criminals. But it all falls together (sort of) when you discover what a narcissistic, abusive drunk the artist was in real life! Depressing in a kind of funny way.


6. Jones Soda Chanukah Soda 4-Pack How the fuck can you go wrong with flavors like Latke, Apple Sauce and Chocolate Coins? Plus, enjoy hours of fun with the included dreidel! W00T!

(p.s.: what the fuck is “latke?”)


5. American tactical Imports high capacity AK-47 drum magazine -Because the way the economy is going, we’re going to have to start running armed incursions against our rich Mexican neighbors, and it’s SO embarrassing to run out of ammo…


4. Dog training bite suit -Because I hear Pitbulls are quite popular with the Mexicans… Plus it goes great with the Rey Mysterio wrestling mask. I bet this guy wishes he was wearing one. I know I wish he was wearing one.


3. Groin protector -Because when is a groin protector NOT a good thing?


2. Kalishnikov vodka -Because IT’S FUCKING VODKA, SHAPED LIKE A FUCKING GUN! And it’s even manufactured by the actual AK-47 guy! Pure Russian Awesome.

Plus, with budgets being tight in this trying economy, after you drink the vodka, you can paint the bottle black and give it to the kids for Christmas! Recycle, yo!


1. Creepy anime Real Doll -Honestly, I don’t even know why anyone would want one of these. I don’t even know why this picture was on my hard drive. Anyone know how to get pizza stains out of silicone?

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More Articles by Steve Wik

Mars Attacks! Gum Cards

Men's Adventure Magazines

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