November 22, 2009

Top Five Fucked Up Infomercial Products

That You Secretly Wanna Inflict on Family and Friends!

As the idea of shopping makes us wanna stab out the eyes of some mall santa we still have a cheap (and disturbing) option. As anyone who's ever woken up out of a sound alcohol induced coma can tell you...

Infomercials are a great way of telling you about crap you didn't even know you wanted. Enthusiastic pitchmen hawking cheap plastic crap designed to make even the most menial task a breeze. Get out those X-Mas lists because you may wanna take notes...

The Hawaii Chair

Wanna exercise at work yet still remain unproductive? Like to hula but don't care about technique? Hate Polynesians? The Hawaii Chair is there for you. Take one office chair, add a (hula?) motor that causes the seat to gyrate like a stripper with brain damage and voila... The Hawaii chair is born. Somehow I'd question how productive you'd be after a 1200 rpm motor swings your wide ass to and fro but what about the after lunch experience? Your chair churning and mixing those 3 mojitos and that quesadilla platter you wolfed down before heading back to the office. Now that's an infomercial I'd like to see....

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Doc Bottom's All-Over Aspray

If you smell like you've been rolling in pussy and toxic waste all weekend and don't mind masking said scent in questionable chemicals, Doc Bottom has you covered. Marketed as "Deodorant for everywhere" Doc Bottoms Aspray (Ass-Spray) never really touches on WHAT you'll be smelling like but nevermind, let Adam J break it down (btw Lanny F is my hero)...

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The Back up

Stuck in bed but need your shotgun fast? Cool yer heels Uncle Jesse cause now you can with "the BackUp". Like an NRA wet dream this gunrack for your bed gives you the ability to shoot all the imaginary goblins away quickly. Does anyone else question the judgement of having a long ass double barrel next to your bed for protection in a dark room? Watch on...

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The Speedfit

Love your treadmill but hate running on that scary ole ground? The Speedfit is the unholy union of treadmill and ATV technology that you secretly wanna try when no one's looking. Aside from looking completely retarded the question should be how the fuck does this thing turn? The video shows people happily running down a straight stretch of road (and hanging out with porsche owners) but you never see a rider turning more than 5 degrees. But hey with the add-on belt you can humiliate your friends too...

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The Kush

Ladies do your breasts wrinkle while you sleep? This (extremely phallic) solution supports your breasts while giving your husband ideas. My question is why pay $55 when you can hire any guy to do it for free? I'm pretty sure you'll only have to ask once and you'll have a line seven blocks long. And hell some men will be nice enough to clean up afterwards...

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Bonus tie-in: The Shake Weight

Infecting the internet faster than H1N1, this product promises stronger hands and arms (and god bless it) with a very traditional exercise. Again ladies I say save $20 and give the gift that keeps on giving with the same exact exercise on a different set of weights. Ask any guy within a 100 mile radius and they will be incredibly eager to "work those hands and arms" on something that goes "from flabby to fabulous"...



...merry x-mas you fuckers.

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