August 04, 2009

A Few Short Words About Dive Bars

Nine Advice Tips by Joe Cerniglia

As a bar enthusiast (often read as "drunk") and a married man, I've grown to despise popular bars. Thick necked pinheaded jocks throwing attitude like jizz at a frat party, annoying bitches sounding like Mariah Carey in a woodchipper...

...Redneck cockholes ready to start shit with anyone not wearing an american flag, wiggaz, hipsters, mormons, etc, etc. Still fucking surprises me there aren't more reports of people mowing down these wastes of dna with high caliber weapons. But there is an alternative...

Look for the 60 year old man puking up on the front door and you've found a sanctuary from the fuckers you'd wanna stab in the head with a ballpoint pen. Yea, it's probably not gonna be pretty inside and you may get shot for trying to hold a conversation with that twitchy ex con at the end of the bar. But the vomit smell goes away after awhile and the alcohol will give you a liver hurting good time. There's just a few rules you'll have to remember:


1. The only beers that keep you from getting dragged around back and getting beaten
to death are Pabst, Bud, Bud Lite, or MGD. If the bartender can't pronounce it you're not getting it.


2. Tip and tip often ...or the bartender is gonna make you a new drink. Urine-tinis anyone?


3. Non-Smokers are about as popular as a tranny at a PTA meeting.
Regulars don't give a shit about your lungs and can make sure you disappear like Hoffa.

4. You're on your own when you set foot in the bathroom. The Bartender could give
a shit if you're beaten, murdered, or poked in the ass by the drunk that's been giving
you the bedroom eyes from across the bar.


5. the "food" in the pickle jars are for entertainment purposes ONLY. Wait for a
drunk frat boy to stumble in, dare that dumb fucker to down the contents and watch the fun.


6. Your safety at the pool table depends on how you can keep your pool cue from
whacking the regulars in the back of the head. When in doubt, fuck that shot.


7. No one gives a shit about your day. That's why everyone in here has been drinking
since noon. Shutting the fuck up or a knife in your colon ...it's up to you.


8. With the jukebox it's what you see is what you get. Bitching that 50Cent or Britney
isn't on the juke is probably gonna get you skullfucked out back.


9. Bouncers have the ability to twist your dumb ass into pretzel knots. They also don't
give a shit about you...just the door. Mr. Bouncer is not your pal...please remember this.

...One final thing to remember: All dive bars are not created equal. The scum that makes the local bars uninhabitable have begun to invade many former dive bars (If you've ever been to The Bashful Bandit in Tucson you'll know what I mean). If you see 3 or more people who look like they've stepped off the set of American Idol AVOID! AVOID! AVOID!

Bookmark/Search this post with:

Delicious  | StumbleUpon  | Propeller  | Reddit  | Newsvine  | Furl  | Facebook  | Google  | Yahoo  | Technorati