August 17, 2009

Run! Bridezilla Coming!

An Article by Bill "The Game Doctor" Kunkel

Just when you thought it was safe to return to Monster Island...
According to the site Bridezilla.com, a Bridezilla is a "Horrific, bulging-eyed bride prone to screaming spells and spontaneous fits of hysterical rage.

"Bridezillas are known to drop blows over seating charts, get bug-eyed at the mere mention of carnations and view hurling champagne at their wedding planners as a form of hazing."

"Bridezillas" is also one of WE network's most popular TV programs. Each episode introduces a new bitch, her de-balled bridegroom and at least one family that appears to be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. In addition, we get to see the Bridezilla who was introduced in the previous installment actually get married.

The formula works.

I've given some thought to the question of why, exactly, people watch this show. I suspect it's very popular among married couples; the wife can gasp in horror at the antics of these self-styled "divas" and ask innocently: "Honey? I wasn't that bad when we got married, was I?" And hubby can reassure her that no, had she been even remotely in Bridezilla territory she would currently be an Old Maidzilla as opposed to a happy wifey.

Yet these women DO get married, even after boasting on camera that they have the groom enslaved and can basically get anything they want by simply behaving badly enough. They humiliate their guys relentlessly and demand that they cater to their every insane whim (one BZ who wanted a special hair treatment that wasn't in the wedding budget demanded that her future ex literally sell his blood to pay for it). They are never happy with their hair, their make-up or their bridesmaids, who invariably fail to grasp that the BZ is indulging in an ego orgy that's about setting standards their "maids" can not help but fail to meet. They always seem to either lose or (more often) gain weight after their dress fitting so we inevitably get a screaming tantrum when the gown arrives and they can't get a leg into it.

Bridezillas even speak alike, whether they hail from the island of Jamaica or from Jamaica, Queens. For example, they invariably say things along the lines of:

"THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME!"
"You should be following my every command! THIS IS MY DAY!"
"I don't care about [future husband Wuss-O] – they don't sing 'Here Comes the Groom' do they?"
"I can get anything I want from my parents. If they don't give me my way I just scream and cry until they give in."

One BZ had a selection of five dresses she intended to wear during her wedding extravaganza with dresses for the wedding, the photo session, the reception, etc. This involved more costume changes than a Cher concert. Another BZ, a self-described "Butterfly Princess" wore butterfly wings to her bachelorette party but looked more like Mothra than a monarch butterfly.

But bullying is really the heartbeat of the Bridezilla. They push around their beaten down boyfriends, their parents, their bridesmaids, the groomsmen, their future mother-in-law (one particularly unpleasant specimen insisted that her intended inform his mommy – whose own mother had just passed away a week or two earlier – that her best friend was not permitted to attend the reception).

As always with this genre of reality show, you are always wondering why these women would allow themselves to be cast as narcissistic, fire-breathing dragons for millions of TV viewers to behold. In fact, a true BZ seems to take a perverse pride in what an awful, self-absorbed monster they come off as. They brag that they're fairy princesses or queens or (again) Divas and seem to revel in this nauseating depiction of their behavior.

So what is the show about? It's about the viewers feeling better about themselves, of course. Pol Pot, Imelda Marcos or Hitler could watch any episode of BZs and think: "I guess I'm not such a bad human being after all; at least I'm not as horrible as THAT bitch!"

So if you ever feel the need to elevate your self-esteem, remember that reality TV is bristling with people who openly boast about what terrible people they are and then offer demonstrations to prove it.

Remember: It's all about them.

["Bridezillas" is broadcast on WE on Sunday nights.]

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